An Open Door

gets paid more than I do.

This sign is posted on the freezer door in the back of my deli...

Remember, I only get paid $8.75 an hour.
FML

The Critter

The Critter was named such because Big G first mentioned it to me, and the Rock told me. Tonight I fouind out the origin when Big G said it herself, the movie Critters from the 80's. When I got Taco Bell with Apples just a wee bit ago, he showed me a picture of the movie cover using his spiffy phone - I was scared of how much this looks like her.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the deli I go...

So as I was parking my car, there was the usual group of derelict teenagers sitting on the concrete retaining wall divide between one part of the shopping center and the other (it's basically a back alley), and I see one girl using some kind of goop that she was getting out of a purple taco bell cup to put on another girl's hair. Hair dying in parking lots? REALLY?

150 feet later as I near the entrance of the store I hear someone mid conversation in the distance say "Global warming sucks!" Yes. It does. Keep your voice down, we're trying to keep knowledge of this to a minimum until all of the violent polar bears drown.

Also, today I decide on (one) of my Halloween costumes. I'm going to be a slutty cop and use my khaki colored shirt from the deli, along with some short black shorts (my old deli pants, cut short), fishnets, boots, a tie, the cop shades, the plastic badge, deli nametag, the cuffs, you know. But I love how much of a f*** you it is to my company that I use their uniform as my Halloween costume.

Selections from the Deli - Psycho Moments: Que the violin

As Apples was in the back of the deli making his usual rounds, I was washing dishes and trying to drain the sink but the drain was clogged. When I pulled out the clog, Apples exclaims "IS THAT A FINGER?!" It was, in fact, a chicken nugget.
~
Another time I was going to be staying after the normal close time of midnight because I just did not have enough time to finish everything. I hadn't closed that many times and I wasn't exactly in good practice. Deli Bitch had just left to clock out, and a few minutes later as I was facing the wall washing dishes, the lights went out. I stand there for a minute wondering what had happened, then ask into the oblivion "...Deli Bitch?"

There was no reply.

I start freaking out a little bit. I call out again, and as before, there was no reply. I walk carefully over to the light switches, which are conveniently located next to a dark, creepy, supply closet. They are all stuck on, and when I flip them on and off, they all remain off. I'm getting major heebie jeebies next to this black hole of a closet so I decide that the deli doesn't have to be finished since I was only voluntarily staying late anyway, so I clocked out and went home.

Attention Slave(Life)Away Shoppers...

please dispose of your...personal items...in the bathroom completely. I don't want to know that you took a pregnancy test in the bathroom of your local grocery store...it makes me wonder a few things...
1. did you steal it?
2. what was the result?
3. WHY take it there?!

So the other night...

was pretty eventful.

Deli Girl (on Nayrx's stained pant knees): "Is that bleach?"
Nayrx: "No, it's block cleaner - oh my god you missed epic owl on my pants!" (Grabs phone to show picture)

(As the conversation continues)

Deli Girl: (Drops phone on ground while sitting on food prep table in the back) "Oh noes! My phone! I need that to sext with!"
Nayrx: (Picks up phone, looks through it for a minute) "You don't sext like I do."

Making a Difference

is not what my paycheck does, apparently, since I forgot to pick it up.

Really? REALLY? Wow.

Why does your ex always show up unexpectedly and unintentionally at your work? It's like they know. But if they did, they wouldn't be there.


A little about me, the relationship I had with my last serious boyfriend didn't end well, to sum it up. We haven't talked since March, and stuff got rocky around last October. We both probably could have handled it all a lot better, but that's in the past. The point is, he has the same name as my current boyfriend, Boyfriend. It's been confusing my friends a lot, so I've been referring to them as New Boyfriend and Old Boyfriend (but their real name, instead of Boyfriend, that's just what I'm using here), since Old Boyfriend and I were together for a year before it went to Hell, so I have a lot of back stories with him and he is frequently referenced in conversation.

So a few weeks ago, I was closing the Deli with Virginia and Deli Bitch (who was just washing dishes), and I was off at 10, and as I was walking to clock out, Old Boyfriend and the Big Angry Azn (his best friend) were carrying their longboards into the store via the entrance not 10 feet away from the timeclock. Fortunately, they are both oblivious to the world on a daily basis, and I had my Deli Girl hat on anyway, so they didn't even notice me. Shows how much people pay attention to the people working in an establishment to serve them. It was a narrow miss. I texted Virginia when I got home and told the guys that if they felt like taking a break, pulling an impromptu prank on them was welcomed. When asked to describe what they looked like, I did so and they responded with "We saw them earlier, they looked like a couple of douche bags. Sure, no problem." Thanks guys, you really made me happy here :) <3

So a few days ago, I was dropping of my Faux Lil' Sis off at school after going to lunch with her (she's awesome), and I had the misfortune of seeing Old Boyfriend and his Little Bitch Girlfriend. Once again, I wasn't seen.

So 2 nights ago, I was closing with Little Mama and I was standing in the back for a second after washing dishes with the huge rubber dish gloves and the hideous green plastic dish apron, and I'm looking through the "window" cut out from the China kitchen that looks out into the store, where there is an island of cold prepared food (called the "Grab and Go.") All of a sudden, 2 girls enter the frame of my vision. I immediately identify one as a friend of Old Boyfriend, and I think the other might be as well. Another girl enters the frame, and she is identified in the same way, a friend of Old Boyfriend. Just as I'm thinking, I wonder if Old Boyfriend is around... Who enters the frame? Of course it's Old Boyfriend. I drop to the floor. I've gotten away without him knowing I work here at this disgusting, degrading, embarrassing job this long, I am not going to be found out now. Little Mama sees me and asks if I'm okay, I quickly explain my situation, and she asks which one he is. I tell her the one in the hideous neon blue shirt with the beard, who looks gay. (This isn't me having post relationship projection to make myself feel better, I was pretty sure he was gay when we started dating but I really cared about him so I ignored it and figured I'd spend what time I could with him before he figured it out. Like I said before, oblivious.) So I have closing to do, and I can't stand up to walk over to the sink without walking through a massive doorway and risk being obviously spotted. I take off the massive apron, hold it up to the side of my face visible from the outside of the deli, and walk past the doorway. Suave, no. But effective? Yes. Little Mama asked me if he knew I worked there because they seemed to be lingering. I didn't think so, and I'm pretty sure he'd be about as ready to run as I was if he saw me somewhere and I didn't notice him, so I don't think he would have intentionally gone someplace knowing I could be there. After all of this, I had to clock out. I figured they'd have left by then, so I went to clock out and who is sitting with his posse in the seating area visible to the time clock? Old Boyfriend. Who else would I be talking about? I avoided narrowly being seen AGAIN, so I hid in the break room, but I only had a few minutes to clock out. Little Mama came around the corner and said "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you he was over there but I got distracted..." My first thought was, How soon could New Boyfriend get here to walk me out? I looked at my phone, 2 minutes. There was no way he could get there that soon. Next thought, Where's Stephen!? Who walks around the corner? Stephen :D "Are you going to lunch right now?" "No, I just got back." "Please walk me to my car." "Why?" "Because I need to go to lunch but my ex is out there and I don't want to walk out alone and look as pathetic as I am for working here." "Fine..." "Okay now hold my hand." "What? Why? No." "Please?" "Fine...you owe me." I made it safely to my car and I was (to my knowledge) not seen by Old Boyfriend.

The next day, I believe his Little Bitch Girlfriend saw me while she was walking with him in the store. I was at the sandwich bad and happened to look up the same time she did. They had been wandering around and immediately after that they disappeared. I hope it wasn't them, but you can only escape for so long, I suppose.

Gather 'Round Now, Children

I just thought it was necessary to inform you all that the company I work for found the need to label where everything, and I mean, literally, EVERYTHING, goes. Like in kindergarten when they wanted to figure out who could read or at least identify words? That's not even just in the deli, the whole store is like that. After closing tonight, I realized there was THIS in the supply closet/office. Are you kidding me...

Selections from The Deli - Ovens

One night when Virginia was closing with Nayrx and I, and all of a sudden I hear from the back as I'm cleaning the meat and cheese slicers, "Where's my fucking pot?" Nayrx says "What?" and Virginia keeps repeating his same question, but then adds, "I know you have it, Nayrx, where's my god damned pot?" He wandered the deli for a bit looking for his pot, and then Nayrx gave him his pot, and he then continued scooping oil out of the oven with it.

When taking out the oil to the tallow at night (after scooping it out of the oven with a pot...borrowed...from the China kitchen, which is randomly in the center of the deli), I noticed that on the tallow, which is basically a converted dumpster, is a giant sticker saying the company to create it is called "Darling." I feel that the creator of this company was a very sarcastic husband.

I frequently like to see just how much customers listen. When I was cleaning out the ovens, and Little Mama was doing service while I prepared for our close, I was reaching to the far back of the oven trying to pry the burned chicken wing off of the back oven wall, I realized just how big those ovens were. While Little Mama was serving a customer, I walked up and just blurted out (loudly) "Those ovens are huge! We could fit a few small children in there!" Her look was priceless, and the customer (completely oblivious from being so focused on her needs) asked "and can I get a quarter pound of Swiss?"

I found out from Techie-kins that you can cook an entire Thanksgiving turkey in a TurboChef oven (the oven used for hot sandwiches at the sandwich bar, not the normal cooking oven) in 15 minutes. The oven at my house is broken...I think I know where I'll be cooking my turkey come November.

Day 1 (or...100)

I should have started this blog when I first got hired, but I didn't think there would be anything very remarkable, and it took me closer to 2 months to figure out that this was anything but "just a job." I can barely deal with the stress of this "just a" job, but since I have yet to get another job, I decided to blog about it until I find a different job elsewhere.

So, we have some catching up to do. I think I'll start with how I got the job.

I had been hurting for a job for quite a while (3 years, in fact) and I ran into my friend while shopping with my mom at our local grocery store. I was shocked to see him, we hadn't talked in a long time and I didn't know he worked there. My mom interrupted us asking if they were hiring and he said "Actually yes, but you don't want to work here, it sucks," to which I naively replied, "It's better than not having a job, I can handle it." Two weeks later, I was in the office for an interview/instant hire. Two months later, I was wishing I could find ANY other job.

Right before I started actually working, I found out that the then girlfriend of a best friend of a very good friend of mine worked in the same grocery store's deli, a town away - in San Leandro. My deli is in Castro Valley. Then about 2 weeks after I started working, another one of my very good friends came back from college for the summer and started working in yet another of the same grocery store's deli a few more towns away, in Livermore.

You may have noticed by now that I haven't mentioned the name of my employing company. I'd like to keep myself somewhat protected, as horrid as my job is, I don't have another one and college, even community college, is expensive. We will call my company, "Slave(Life)Away." Also, there are stories about people I want to include, but I want to protect them as well. The character list is as follows.

Deli Girl: Me, you'll get to know me pretty well.

New Boyfriend: Used to work at a different grocery chain in the same department, helps me through the day with things like texts saying "Dominate that deli! ;) <3" (There is also Old Boyfriend, but he's not important enough to have his name boldfaced and with a description.)

Techie-kins: My friend who came back from college and only has a 3 or 4 month deli sentence. Told me the tech code to destroy our new scales...14632 what? ;) (For those of you who know where I work and have the displeasure of working there too, perhaps at a different location, this is my gift to you. If you get caught, you can always cover by saying you were trying to remember the code for Alpine Lace Swiss, or Deli Counter Bologna. As soon as you unplug the machine it goes back to normal. Use wisely.)

Nayrx: My friend who got me my job...fucking bastard...<3

Little Mama:  The shorter of the Mamas. Youthful personality, even though she is a mother of two. Really fun to work with.

Apples: We play fight a lot, he walks me to take out the trash at night or when I go to my car after work in the dark. What department does Apples work in? That's right. Dairy.

Deli Bitch: He is in Satan's doghouse, he missed a secret shopper grading him, which means Satan's bonus isn't as big at the end of the year. Normally he works for the Starbucks kiosk, but he became the deli's bitch when he got only 24 hours a week and had to wash dishes for a couple of weeks after closing. I also had him walking me to the trash and my car at night.

Virginia: His neighbor is the store manager's drug dealer. He heard me say "chode" to describe a loaf of bread in the sandwich bar once and asked if it was the same meaning in CA as where he was from. Yup. Same urbandictionary.com definition.

Rock Girl: Quit soon after I was hired, but since she is such an epic person we keep in contact.

Ling Ling the Panda: The other is Leo the angry azn, but Ling Ling is great! Always has random supplies stashed away if I need them.

Big Mama: The taller of the Mamas, sadly it's because she doesn't want to be in management that the Critter is in office. Seems to have overcome a lot of hardships - good person, annoying voice.

The Slug: Seems to like me, seems concerned with the well-being of other employees. Reminds me of the Nurse in the Leonardo + Clair version of Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet is trying to get her to tell her if Romeo wants to marry her and the Nurse says

"Lord, how my head aches! what a head have I! O, my 
         back! Other' other side,--O, my back."

Get the movie, watch the scene, and that's The Slug, all the time.

The Pessimist: Somehow, whenever she starts talking about all of these horrible things, like cancer, Rock Girl and I can't keep ourselves from laughing. Nice, good person though.

Grandma: Acts like a mom, really concerned, but is a grandmother, literally and physically.

The Hun: Older Asian woman who is always grouchy.

The Critter: The pseudo assistant manager of our deli, no one seems to be able to remember her name for the first month they work there. It's inexplicable, but everyone hates her innately, so it could have something to do with that. She gets overwhelmed way too easily and can't actually run the deli to save her life.

Boss Lady: Our deli manager. Mixed feelings on this one, she's scary good at acting like she's not pissed at you even when she is. Kind of difficult to do my job when she won't correct me on anything or communicate about what she's mad about. Was gone the first 2 months of my career at SlaveAway.

Big G: One of the assistant managers of the store. She's hardcore gangsta.

Satan: The store manager. The union has been trying to fire him for years. 

You'll hear stories that make you laugh, cry, and want to send me money ;) (That last one was a joke, but really...they're only paying me $8.75/hour...I wouldn't turn down ANY charitable donations.) At least, that was my reaction to these stories as they were happening.